Bye to 2009...

At the wake now, today will be last dae for me to acc mama... I miss her so much! How i wish i can turn the time back. I noe i juz need to face it. I'm so sorry tat i cant acc u the last road. My heart will always be with you. I noe you wan us to be happy, and enjoy our life. We will take good care of ourselves. Dun worry abt us...

During this few daes, we have pull the bond of the TAN famiy back. Even mama is not ard, but we still feel her present with us. We love you always!

Lots of things have happen within this year. I cant really rmb wat are the happy moments tat i have. All i can rmb are those things that really pull me down, till i have lost myself. I'm looking forward for the year 2010. I hope tat things can be smooth for everyone. Everyone to be happy always. Letting go of the past, and let us move on together...

Wishing everyone, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year! Love you guys load!!!

If things are under our control!

Now when i see any elderly on the road, i juz cant stop thinking abt my grandma. Ya, she is still ard with us. But she is unconscious now, no one will noe when she will be awake or will she be awake.

Mama... Can you open your eyes and look at us! We miss you!!! My tears juz cant be controlled anymore whenever i think of you. I will rather you sit up talk to us and scold us. It really so heart breaking to see you lying on the bed. And we do not noe how you are feeling...

I juz cant bring up myself... I tend to get moody very easily le. I'm tired, i wan my happiness and smile back pls... Pls return them to me!!! I cant feel them anymore...

I'm sorry, i juz cant be strong as last time le. Too many things happening, and i'm starting to struggle le. I juz only can act strong infront of my family members. I'm being drained...

A post specially for you!

I hope that if there is any misunderstand in between us we can sort things out! If i have made any mistake in anywhere, i'm really veri SORRY!! Hpy, i really dun feel good that things turn out to be this way! Sisters forever! Hugs...

You're always the best Mama!!!

My grandma suddenly fainted, she unconscious now. The doc cant do anything but to jab in medicine to reduce the pain. And we juz need to prepare for the worse at anytime...

Mama... I miss you! Thank you for taking care of me when i'm sick, thanks for waking up early to make oat meal for me when i'm having stomach flu. You have been a great mama to all of us! I will take good care of mummy. N i will always take my meals, as you always tell me to fill my stomach with something so that i will be strong. Dun worry abt us, we noe u're u great pain. Hope that you will find gong gong and he can bring all ur pain away... I love you, mama... You will always stay in my heart always!

Juz cant smile...

I juz hate this.. I woke up with tears flowing. Why muz it go backwards again, i have been trying hard to move forward and i'm being push back again. It so easy to be push back n so hard to move forward. I cant smile anymore, i juz feel like locking myself in the room again.

Dear friends, no matter how down i am. I'm still here for you guys. My listening ears and shoulders are always there for you guys! Dun juz becos i'm so down, you guys dun wan to share your problem with me k! I will even get more upset...

A promise is a promise, it meant to be kept and not meant to be break.

LOST is the word!!!

I noe everyone have thier own prbblems. But for me things are coming in non stop. And they are all negative things. I really cant take it anymore. Can everything stop now with a full stop. I noe things happen to make someone strong, but enough is enough le.

Things tat happen since the starting of 2009:

1) Mum called to tell me granny moving over, ask me if i can give up my room. I'm more than happy tat granny is moving over to stay with us after she fully recover. I shifted out of the hse, and moved over to alice's mummy hse.

2) After shifted out of the hse, i really dun feel belong to this hse anymore. The day before i went for my leg operation last year, Dad actually said this at my back and i over heard it, make sure she move out and dun move back.(we have an urgement tat day) When i heard tat, i was crying deep in there. And i told myself i will not shift back to this hse, if he is staying in this flat.

3) Start to have some misunderstand with alice mummy. When i was staying over her place, i juz dun really have my own privacy. And feel so bad to trouble her to ask her to share her room with me. I juz cant really do the things i one, and i dun have my own corner. (Now it seems that my relationship with alice mummy there's a distance in between, i feel so upset abt it!!)

4)Broken family... Mum and dad divorced. I have to be the middle person. I have to run all the errands for them. All phone calls coming in to me. Getting loan for the hse...

5) Unsuccessful relationship. Friends are angry with wat i'm doing. Distance in the friendship. (things are so called fine now)

6) Losing interest in studies... Did badly in exams (no one to blame for this, juz cant pull myself back)

7) Msg came in to inform me granny only left 3 to 6 mths to live. Her cancer relapsed...

I juz cant take it le. No one can understand how i feel now. It seems tat things i have done for this family, no one apprecaite it. But ended up i got blame on it for talking back... All i need is understanding and support. I'm tired to be strong anymore. I juz cant act anymore... I will break down any moment. I noe i'm not alone. I juz dunno who i can turn too... LOST is the word now... My tears are choke in the throat. I juz cant cry!!! WHY WHY WHY....

Stop asking me to be happy. The word have been missing long ago... I cant smile from my heart anymore. Everything have gone within a period of time. I can be a clown infront of friends to make them smile, but i cant make myself smile. Why am i getting hurt all this while? I have not stand firm on my feet yet, and another problem juz come in. I juz dunno how to recover from all this pain... The pain is getting deeper and deeper till i juz cant bear it soon...

I have lost my sleep, have not been sleeping well for this few weeks. Keep having nightmares, if not i will suddenly jump out of bed... This is not the AMELIA, AI LIAN anymore...

Reaching the button soon...

I'm really tired of everything. Today is the first paper. I did very badly for this history paper. I left lots of blank. Dun ask me why, i noe myself well enough. I noe i will not do well for this paper and i may fail for it. I'm prepared for it, and i have to ans it for myself. I have no interest in history, and i will spend too much time on this paper.

Got really pissed off with my brother juz now. Showing me his stupid attitude... Wat is your problem by helping me to drop the letter in his letter box since you're dropping by there. Forget it, it so difficult for you to help me do thing. I will do it myself. I dun BEG ppl to do things for me. Who do you think you are. You think you're getting half the share of the hse, you can make all decision. PLS GO AHEAD! I will not interfer, i will do wat you ask me to do. Since mum like to listen to wat he sae, than pls carry on. I will not stop you... Everything is my fault... Juz put it on me than...

Juz dun trigger the button, i will juz move out of this hse when you hit the button. I mean it when i sae it. I'm a STUBBORN person now. I will juz do things i wan. Thanks to you people... You made me to become one today. No one to blame at all... I have enough of everything...

I juz need my break, and i will be myself during the trip. I will not bother abt wat happen in Singapore. I will juz leave everything behind. You can sae i'm selfish or heartless... Sae wat you wan... Have you ever think of how i feel all this while... Y am i always the one who get hurt at the end, and have to be strong as if nothing have happen. Who are the people who really treat you good, and who are the people who are making use of you??? It so scary...

Juz wan to have my holiday break...

I really need a break! I juz wan to get away from everything... Just let me be free from everything, n be a girl who is free from problem for juz 8 daes. I will be more than happy enough le.

Can people juz tell me wat they wan from me. Wat they wan to do... I'm really very LOST now. It seems tat the things i do is wrong. Am i really tat stubborn as wat you sae?

Juz give me my holiday trip... That is wat i wan... I juz wan to unlock the lock...