I cried like a baby..

I cried like a baby few days back. My tears just flow non stop and the feeling of it is so painful. I miss mummy so much! I want her badly by myside. Things seems to go back to square. Bro and da sao if filing for divorce now. And yes, I'm the middle person between them. Helping them to relay message. It really really hurt to see them going thru all this. The kids are still young. And going thru all this process again, let me think back what i have went thru. True enough to say, when you really can stay happy together. Just give back each other happiness and move on from them. Scar will be there, and it remind you what you have went thru and not to redo it again. Going thru all this let me really wonder who will be my side when i really need help. Who will appreciate what i have done. Who will be there for me if i really need someone to be there. Mummy have done so much for everyone. When she was around, no one show appreciation. When she needs help, she got back stab by her best friend. Is only till the day, when she closed her eyes, everyone started to notice how much she have done for each and single person. I'm a lost kid now. I shall be blessed to have Max with me. He really helped me in small little things. Lele have shifted to his place, his family have been helping me to take good care of lele. I have been staying over his place for the past few months. His family have treated me well. Bro have been out station almost every month. I hate to swollow all the pain by myself. But I cant split it out, cause i need to support the kids and my family. I'm in pain!!!! I felt so happy to see Shuyu n Kristy finding their Mr Right! I can see that they will be well taken care of! They have all my best wishes and blessing. My tears that flow for them are happiness tears. Knowing that they have found that Mr Right, and they deserve every single thing from their husband. Tears flow because I miss mum too!! I cant have mum by my side when i get marry. She cant be there to withness me finding the Mr Right, she can see her grandchild. She cant be there to share all my happiness as others have their parents to be there to share happiness during their wedding. But i do not have.. I feel like backing up, staying in my own world all alone. I'm tired, i'm lost!!! I dunno where i am!! I felt all alone! I shutted myself up!!! Who are my true friends? I really do not know!!!

Things never come to a stop..

I'm so tired! Really very tired of everything. I want to give up in every single thing. Things seems to going backwards. Da Sao is asking a divorce from my bro. And bro have shifted to my place. It so heartache to see all this repeating again.. How about the little ones? How will they feel? Yes, Shamaine is showing her strong front to everyone. I show myself in her. I can feel that she is hiding all her feeling deep inside, crying by her own in the night. Da Sao and bro are not in talking terms. So I will be the middle person to relay the message to them. Everything just going back to what I have went thru. What is marriage all about? What is love all about? Mummy and bro have to go thru this stage! Will I go through the same thing down the road?? No one will know.. It just made me want to go back to my ownn world. Being there alone, doing evry single thing by my own without explaining to any single sole. I miss mum so much!! Why did things happen so sudden?? I'm a lost kid without my mum!!! Can I have her back?? I still cant let go the image how she shut her eyes infront of me. How she look when she was lying in the hospital unmontionless.. Her cold body with the tube in her mum!! I cant erase them off!!! It keep reflecting in my mind.. Is so painful to have those image.. I think i'm dead when mum have left me.. Can i also just shut my eyes forever from this world??

Missing you!!

Mummy!! How are you doing?? I miss you every single day. I'm sorry, I still cant accept the fact you have left us. How I wish i can turn the time back, love you more every single day and to accompany you more every single day!!

I'm so sorry that I have neglected you when you were around. Sorry for not spending enough time with you. But I want to tell you that, even you're not around. I still love you more every single day and miss you more every single day.

I know everyone want me to move on. I still confuse if I have move on with life. YES?? NO?? I'm trying very hard to make every single step. Whenever I think of Mummy, tears will start to roll. Call me cry baby, i dun care. I just wish i can use my tears to change her back. Or if god want to shorten my life and give her back to me, i am most happy to!!

I do not want any luxury life, i just wish that mummy is here to accompany me in every step of my life..

I MISS YOU MUMMY!! I REALLY NEED YOU TO MAKE ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE!!!

Random

On MC today. Having been coughing since monday till now. I have start work at a totally new evnironment. Hotel line was something that I always loved most. Something that I always thought that i will work for life.

But i made a step out of it. I need to place things down and start to move on. Too much memories in HOTEL. Mummy always ask me why i din wan to get a office work, but hotel line. Now i think is really time for me to make a change in myself.

Is not easy at all. But i will try on to move on. Oh ya!!! We have gotten our 'bird nest'!!! Cant wait for 2014 to arrival!!!!

MUMMY!!! I miss u!!! Can you please appear in my dream!!!

A new stepping stone

14 Feb 2012, this marked a date where is a new stepping stone. Max have proposed to me. And I said 'YES' to it. Is a step where I need to really consider about it! I have thought about it. And yes, I have made my own decision towards it.

People may think that we're moving too fast. Is only our 10th month, yet we have come into this stage. There is no way that I can explain all this. How much he have gone thru with me, and how he have accompany me during my real down period.

Decisions were always made by others for me. But this time round, I should make my own decision and face all the out come. Is all about TRUST.

I really wish that mummy is around. To share the the joy with me. Helping me to do all the preparation in future.

Things have really change. My best friend have turn her back on me. I do not blame her in the decision she made. I respect her. It really hurts a lot in the way things turn out to be this way.

When I needed my friend most when I was really down, this happen to me. I almost really broke down. I really almost gave up on myself. Mummy's words flash back in my mind. Her words made me move on and to be strong.

She always wanted me to be happy and to make my own decision and not to let others decide for me. Happiness is on our own hand and we should work on it.

Missing you every single day!!!

Mummy... How are you doing??? I miss you so much!!! I have so much to tell you. Days without you is so painful till no words can be describe. Is a nightmare to me, to have you leaving us behind.

Everyone is asking me, how am i, how am i coping with things. I only can lie to everyone, I'm doing good. There is nothing else i can say. Cause there is nothing can be describe. I have went through lost of down period. Breaking up, parents divorce, and different kinds of experience. But nothing can compare with losing my mum.

I miss her every single day, i fight with my tears everyday. I cry like a baby at times when i really miss her. The most painful day was during CNY eve. I was all alone. I miss her so much, i cried out. I cant hold my tears. I really miss her... I hope she was beside me.

I'm a child without a parents now!!! I hate my dad!!! Yes!!! The word is HATE, and i will not forgive him... He was the one created all this. I do not have him as my dad!!!

If mum is around, things will be better. Now everything just do not seems to turn well. Having one of my best frend ignoring me now. It really hurt a lot!!! And I truly understand how mummy felt last time. I have made up my mind, I leaving HOTEL LINE. YES... That was always my dream to work and progress from there. After mum's death, I cant bring myself to stay in Hotel line.

At times, I really felt that there is no one that understand me and anyone that I can trust. I really rather to be alone. Letting myself to die in my silent... There is no way for me to express myself but to cry under the blanket. Friends will always tell you, we're here for you. You're not alone. But having going through all this torture of pain, i'm still alone!!!

I cant deny that still have lovely people around me. Who still cares a lot for me. I'm really very thankful for everything that was showered on me.

Mummy was always the one that made me a strong gal.. But now she have left... My pillar have collapse... And i'm starting to fall apart...

Yes, everyone telling me I should be strong. Mummy dont want to see me in this state. Mummy is in a better world with no pain and with more happiness... But have anyone really know how painful the feeling is...

Mummy, I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!!!

Unbearable Pain!!!

Tears just follow every single day. Tears rolling in the eyes, and rolling down the cheek every single day. Nothing can heal the pain in the heart.

Everything have been flashing back every single day. I'm fighting with my soul. I'm giving up on myself soon. Is really too painful to go thru this stage. I cant fight with it anymore.

No one can help me to get thru this stage. Is only me myself...