Missing myself...

I'm back to blog... Was chatting with mummy just now. She was just telling me 3 more months and is my birthday. I used to look forward for birthday, cause i always felt that birthday is a happy and special occasion. Is not about the present but the love and happiness on that special day. That's why i always wish to give friends around me, a memorable bday. After this year birthday, the feelings have totally change. Cant see any reason that i can look forward for this day. What is birthday all about to me now??

I'm trying very hard to move on from what have happened to me. I really do not know if i have made any step out. I'm been telling the whole world, i'm ok! But i think deep in, i'm not!!! There are feeling that you just cant use words to describe them.

Thinking of going for a short trip by myself. Running away from everything. I do not have any courage to face any problems that is coming to me. I'm tired... Wearing a smile on the face everyday is so tiring. How i wish i can just be myself. At times, i really hope i can shut myself up... All alone in my own world.

I know i can just be myself in front of some of my friends. But i just do not know how to, i do not want anyone to get worried about me. I start to get impatient and lost of temper easily.I'm been using work to numb myself. Keeping myself busy, so that i will not think of anything. I think i'm wrong. I'm working in frontline, i see different people everyday. Seeing a happy family let me just envy them so much.

Yes, i miss the times when my dad was at home. I miss him pampering me. When i get home late, he will get up and check i'm ok. Or he will wait for me in the living room to make sure i'm home safe. Things have totally change. Reaching home late, with all lights off and everyone asleep. Is just like coming home with darkness with no one is around.

If I happen to work morning shift, i will see this old lady sitting at the fitness corner. I always thought she was my grandma. The place she used to sit, and the back view just look like her. I almost walked up to call her 'MAMA'. And i recalled back, she's no longer with us anymore. I MISS HER SO MUCH!!!

Friendship have turn sour. I hate seeing things to turn up to be in this way... It hurt a lot to see everything have change. Life is so short, why cant everyone just learn how to cherish what we have. Do what we want with our true heart.. I always try to keep all promises that i made, and find mean of ways to make everyone happy around me.

I just want everyone to be happy...

I miss all the smiles and happiness that i have one year back. Have i really been happy for this one year?? There is just too much pain that cant be said and describe.

(Tearing while typing)