Juz need to hold on there!!

I din expect myself to have a blog. I juz suddenly have a feeling to create one, actually i find that this is a good place where i can pour everything out. I noe i have my family members and my lovely frenz ard mi to listen to mi n being there for mi. I dun share my problem easily to ppl, i tend to keep it to myslef. Even in class no one noe wat pro i'm facing now! At times, i juz dunno why i dun feel like saying anything to anyone. I juz feel like keeping everything to myself, feel like hiding some where by no one can find u.

Perhaps i'm too use of having my own rm since young. And now i dun have one, i have to share rm with my god ma. Having a hse, where by i dun dare to go back (or i should say i can't go back) All this years, life was not really smooth for mi. I have go through a lot of obstacle, but think over it. I still made it. What i always like to say, things have already happen. N we can't u-turn any more. We juz need to face the problem no matter wat. But i juz dun like myslef one thing... I always can sense that something is going to happen soon. Which i really dun like, is god trying to pre-warn mi. It really so scary, it not once or twice. But have been quite a no of time le. I'm really feeling veri tired now! I really feel like running away frm problems. Stuff happening at home is really making mi veri stress up. My mum is so unsure wat she need to do. And everyday she is asking mi the same question as in wat she need to do. What she should do. N e old man keep calling mi asking mi to pass the msg to her. Telling mi he is mentally unstable. R this all threaten to us??? Why can't they juz sign the divorce letter n get everything done. N go separte ways, stop interferring each other life. I told my bro tat, u guys r not the one who is going crazy. I think i'm e one who will break down first. It really a torture for us! Seeing my mum suffering make me heart ache. I can't be there for her physically. My bro does not like to talk, he will juz hide himself in the rm. My mum have no one to talk to. Only lele is accompanying her... Fearing tat my mum will fall sick, her health is not in gd condition all the time. She can't get stress up or angry, if not her asthma will attack. I'm so scared that one day her health will turn even worse. Living in the hse is juz like a time bomb. Cos u will not noe when the time bomb will explode. U will nt noe when he will go crazy. I can feel how they feel. I'm not enjoying myself by staying away frm the hm. I have to worried wat will happen at hm. Will he go crazy, how is mummy health... I have been thinking about it everyday!! I tear almost every night, i always think abt it when i get to sleep. It so heart aching, u will wonder y ur life is so diff frm others. Is god being fair to you??? I juz feel like crying out loud at time!

In my heart, i have a child w/o a dad. I dun think u have leave any happy memorise to mi, how my 21st bday was being screwed up by you! I admit that i always talk back to him at hm. The reason is being I wan to let him noe the things he do is wrong. At time he bully my mum, i juz wan to protect her. But at the end, i get the scolding. He can juz go crazy n scold my mum. Giving faces to my mum n us. I really cannnot stand him. He chase mi out of the hse. Telling my mum tat once i move out, make sure i dun move back. He thinks tat i din hear that. I heard it, by myself. Frm there on, i told myself. Without u my life will go on n i will b happier w/o you. Ppl r asking mi, y i shifted to amk, i always give them the reason tat i gave up my rm to my grandma. This was only part of the reason. But they dun really noe the reason behind it. Since you have chase mi out, i will not shift back hm. Now grandma is in nuring hm, and mum is sleeping in my rm. I can always shift back hm to stay. But i din wan too... Not tat i dun wan to face him. Is tat if i shift back he will ask mi lots of question. I will blow up, n show my temper. Mum will be in a difficult position. That's y i din shift back. I got to stay outside n call back hm everyday to make sure things r fine. But i really find that mum is getting more sensitive! I have to control my temper n listen to her. Cos i noe tat i'm her only listening ears. I really hope tat he get out of my life!!! I really HATE him a lot. Cos he is only creating pain to us. Is not us who dunno how to treasure you. You r e one, i knew a lot of things abt u since i was young. Juz tat i din voice out.

I always thougth tat my god ma will understand mi the most. Recently, she was not in the good mood. I din really noe y! I thought that she was mad with mi cos i come back hm late. Giving mi black face when i get back hm. U noe how the feeling is, where u're feeling so upset n when u get back hm she dun understand ur feeling n giving u faces. It so heart ache. Till yesterday i had a good chat with her. I finally noe what mad her so unhappy. She was worried for mi. I recently noe this fren, Esther. Her character is almost the same as mi, the life she goes thru is also almost the same path too. We got click very easily. It happen tat we have spend more time with each other this few days. I noe how is feel being alone n lost. When i read her blog i was really shock how her life was. When she said i was the one who brighten up her day. Bringing her back, her smile back... I was really speechless/blank! Cos i really din not noe how i did it, cos i dun think i have done this to anyone b4. And i'm a person who will be there for u no matter rain or shine. Not letting you alone when u need acc. Being there for you when you are lost etc. I have been there b4, that's y i always try not to let my fren have tat kind of feeling. The feeling of it really hurt. Even no matter how u betray mi or back stab me b4. I will b there. This happen quite a no of time to mi. My god ma saw the pain that i went thru, being used my frenz. Being left behind by them etc... Tat's why she so afraid tat this will happen to mi again. As i told her, we will not noe wat will happen next in life. We juz got to treasure wat we have now. N not asking more. What we give out, we can't ask for pay back. If this really happen, than it will happen to mi. I juz got to face it. N finally we understand each other feeling n had slot it out. I'm really glad tat she care so much for mi! Without her i dunno how my life going to b. Where i will b staying etc... I owe her a lot, really appreciate what she have done for mi.

And i'm really veri glad to have my few ladies frenz around mi. Joannie being there for mi, giving mi advice, listening ear n being there for mi i need help. Wei Ling accompany, going for sushi section, coffee section etc. Miss the swimming section with her, listening to mi when i need a listening ears. N not forgetting my 2 pri sch frenz, lay hong n shuyu. Miss them so much.. Have not meet them for a period of time. I believe tat when they noe i'm facing all this pro they will get shock. But I'm ok ladies. Dun worried abt mi! Lastly, Esther... Thanks a lot girl. Preparing hot breakfast for mi when i having stomach upset. Baking muffins n cookies for mi. Ladies... I really appreciate everything u girls have done for mi. Lending mi your ears n shoulders when i need them. Thank you :)